SPOTLIGHT ON UR STRONG

Landsdale Primary School

Friendship-Themed Book List

Story time! Check out these friendship-themed books for the perfect bedtime story & chat!

Through literature, children can learn valuable friendship skills and strengthen empathy – especially when the stories are coupled with opportunities to apply the lessons to their own lives.

Storybooks are a great way to spark a discussion around friendship. Kids can learn through the experience of the characters, plus reflect on the moral of the story. These storybooks are an excellent complement to our Friendology curriculum.

URSTRONG’s fave friendship-themed books!

Kindness Makes us Strong by Sophie Beer
All the Ways to Be Smart by Davina Bell & Allison Colpoys
Feelings by Libby Walkden & Richard Jones
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy
Molly and Mae by Danny Parker
A Day so Gray by Marie Lamba
Perfectly Norman by Tom Percival
I Promise by Lebron James
The Boy Who Loved Everyone by Jane Porter
Kindness Grows by Britta Teckentrup

You can also find some great collections of friendship-themed books here.

UR Strong

As part of our URStrong social-emotional learning program, our Year 2 students created their very own Friendship Ninja Badges. These badges serve as personal reminders of the important friendship skills they've been learning, such as using kind words, solving friendship fires, showing empathy, and including others. By designing and wearing their badges, students celebrate the positive choices they make in friendships and reinforce their confidence in being respectful, supportive classmates. It’s a fun and meaningful way to help our Year 2s become everyday Friendship Ninjas!

Secret Ninja School: Friendship Fires

https://www.secretninjaschool.com

Through imagination + movement + friendship skills, “Kicks” will help your child be a Firefighter!

Our friend, “Kicks”, is an expert at teaching kids how to make friends with…exercise. The Secret Ninja School brilliantly uses the power of storytelling and imagination to get kids physically active. Through daily online adventures, kids get their hearts pumping in a fun, playful way.

Countless studies prove that exercise and physical activity have an immensely positive impact on wellbeing, improving mood and cognitive skills. When it comes to friendship skills, it’s important for children to strengthen their inner-ninja. With a strong inner-ninja, kids become masterful at self-regulation, self-compassion, and self-care. In this engaging lesson, children will learn about the Friend-o-Meter and what to do when their friendship is in the Red-Zone.

Instructions

Say, “Today is an exciting day because my friend, Kicks, has invited us into his Secret Ninja School! He needed some Friendship Ninjas to help him put out some Friendship Fires. Do you think you can help him?”
Remind your child to be safe and careful as they go on this very special adventure. Encourage them to have fun using their imagination!
Play the 10-minute video (found in the Materials section). Project it up on your TV or on a big screen if you can!
Afterwards, ask your child: “What were the Friendship Fires about? How did you put them out?”
Get them to apply what they learned to their own friendships. Ask them, “Where is your friendship on the Friend-o-Meter with [insert name of a friend]? Have you ever had a Friendship Fire with that friend before?”

Next Steps

Get your child to draw their own Friend-o-Meter and reflect on all the ways they can be a Green-Zone Friend to others.

The Friend-o-Meter: Time to Chat!

How is your child feeling in their friendships? Get them talking & opening up with this activity!

Some friendships bring out the best in us while, unfortunately, some bring out the worst. It’s so important to teach children that friendships are a choice and help them learn the difference between healthy & unhealthy friendships.

We developed a visual tool, The Friend-o-Meter, to help children easily reflect on and communicate how they’re feeling in their friendships. In our research, we have found that children do not always assess or evaluate the health of their friendships – meaning, they do not have boundaries when it comes to friendship. We want children thinking about whether or not friendships are healthy for them and what qualities are essential in healthy relationships.

Friendship skills are relationship skills and we do not want children first learning about healthy relationships when they’re teenagers in romantic relationships. We want kids asking themselves now, “Is this friendship (relationship) good for me? Does this person treat me with the respect I deserve?” so that this self-compassion will be an instinct when considering future relationships.

Spotlight on Friendology

In Kindergarten we have been practising our ninja-style tricks for making new friends. The children from Bilby Kindergarten along with the children from Joey Kindergarten met each other in the playground to have a turn at being ‘Super Introducers’. They practised making new friends by introducing themselves by saying “Hello, my name is Stevie, what is your name?” It was wonderful to see so many new friendships being formed! Over the following days we noticed the expansion of friendship circles and lots of fun times had!

We have also been learning about the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships. The children painted their own Friend-o-Meter and sorted pictures of scenarios that display healthy and unhealthy friendships. We know how to be kind, caring and how to be green-zone friends. We are on own way to transforming into Friendship Ninjas!

“Help! My Child is Gossiping & Causing Conflict!”

Is your child getting involved in conflict? Do they seem to be sparking or spreading Friendship Fires?

As social creatures, we all want to feel that we belong. Sometimes children will gossip as a means of feeling close with others. So, it’s a matter of helping your child seek connection in positive ways instead.

Here are a few angles we would suggest in your discussions with your child:

BUILDING TRUST: In order to foster healthy friendships, your child needs to be trustworthy. If they’re at a URSTRONG School, they would have learned that Friendship Fact #3 states that Trust & Respect are the two most important qualities of a friendship. Ask your child, “How can you build trust with your friends?” Use the Friend-o-Meter in your discussion, reminding them to be a Green-Zone Friend. Here’s an activity to guide your chat!

BE KIND-ON-PURPOSE: Explain to your child that research shows that kids who are kind are the most well-liked and trusted by their peers. Get your child to brainstorm ways they can be Kind-on-Purpose to their classmates and friends. Intentional acts of kindness not only fosters feel-good friendships, but will also improve your child’s own wellbeing (evoking positive emotions).

SPREADING or SPARKING FRIENDSHIP FIRES: Remind your child that it’s important that they make choices that make Friendship Fires smaller, not adding fuel to Fires or spreading them around. Ask your child, “How can you put out Friendship Fires?” Here’s a video to show your child!

STAYING OUT OF THE MIDDLE: Encourage your child to focus on their own friendships and not get stuck in the middle of others’. In Friendology, they learn about not being in the middle of a Friendship Sandwich – it’s sticky & messy in there. Here’s a video to show your child.

Lastly, here’s a little reflection sheet that might be useful. It’s helpful for children to reflect on conflict in friendships and try to see the situation from a more objective perspective. The ‘fly on the wall’ question helps them to see things from another perspective, which ultimately, helps to strengthen empathy and compassion for others.

My Playdate Plan

Okay, so you love playdates with your friends…am I right?! Who doesn’t love to play?!

Have you ever had a friendship that has worked really well at school, but when you had a playdate it didn’t work well? Maybe you didn’t have fun or it ended in a Friendship Fire®?

Well, this can happen sometimes because of Friendship Fact #1: No friendship or relationship is perfect. If you think about it, we often have playdates at the end of the day when we are not really at our best. We are tired and hungry after a long day of brain-draining learning at school.

If we want our playdates to go super smoothly and be heaps of fun, it sometimes helps to have a Playdate Plan!

Instructions:

Parents, using the Playdate Plan Activity Sheet (Page 1), interview your child about their playdate experiences.
Think about a time that you had a really amazing playdate. Make a list of the things that helped to make that playdate work really well. Think about a time that you had a disappointing playdate. List the reasons it didn’t go well.
Working with your parent, create your very own ‘Playdate Plan’ (using the Playdate Plan Activity – Page 2) that you can use the next time that you are allowed to have a playdate. This activity will give you the ingredients that you need to set yourself up for playdate success.

Parents, be sure to share some observations about things that you’ve seen on playdates that have worked really well. What can you do to help ensure your child’s playdates go smoothly? It might help for you to have a little plan of your own too.

(SOURCE: https://urstrong.com/resource/my-playdate-plan/)

Parents, Has Your Protective Instinct Kicked In?

“I Knew I Was Giving My Child Bad Advice, But I Didn’t Know What Else to Say!”

This is one of the most common things that parents have said to us over the years when it comes to friendship issues. And, we’ve heard from numerous children and educators who have shared some of the unhelpful or inappropriate advice well-meaning parents have given children.

When parents are activated by their child’s friendship issues (especially if someone has been cruel or malicious – what we call in our Friendology curriculum, “Mean-on-Purpose”), it is common for a parent’s protective instinct to kick in. This can trigger their FIGHT/FLIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN response, thanks to the autonomic nervous system. These default settings might sound like:

FIGHT: “Just punch them back!”
FLIGHT: “Go play with someone else!”
FREEZE: “Ignore them!”
FAWN: “Be friends with everyone!”

As we aim to support our children in fostering healthy relationships throughout their lives, it’s critical that parents understand how unhelpful and, in some cases, dangerous these stress responses can be for children.

A parent whose default setting is to FIGHT, teaches their child to respond to conflict with aggression and violence. Encouraging a child to get physical as a defence-mechanism immediately escalates the situation, activating anxiety in the child. Most children are not naturally aggressive and they know punching/pushing/pinching is wrong and will get them in trouble. When a parent tells a child to do something that is socially-unacceptable, it feels deeply confusing for them. Children are less likely to seek help from parents who promote fighting, often withholding information to avoid triggering anger in them. This is scary for children. Encouraging physical aggression is easily the most dangerous, trauma-inducing advice that can have serious long-term impacts.

A parent whose default setting is to FLIGHT, teaches their child to avoid conflict. This inevitably results in unhealthy friendships (and relationships) that lack trust and respect. When conflicts and frustrations are ignored, resentment builds and connections are fractured. A conflict-avoidant mindset prevents authenticity, transparency, and honesty in relationships. It limits the depth of a friendship and, for children, the friendship feels persistently in the Red-Zone on The Friend-o-Meter.

A parent whose default setting is to FREEZE, teaches their child to bottle their emotions. While ‘fight’ is exploding, ‘freeze’ is imploding. This approach teaches children to shut down, preventing them from processing their feelings. Research shows that repressing emotions amplifies them and can lead to feelings of anxiety. Children who keep their big feelings in often experience physical symptoms like stomach aches and trouble sleeping. Similar to avoiding conflict, healthy relationships are impossible when one person is unresponsive – relationships are a two-way street.

A parent whose default setting is to FAWN, teaches their child to be a people-pleaser. Fawning is when a child absorbs all the blame, overlooking their own feelings and doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy. According to Dr Rebecca Ray, “Fawning behaviours are common for people who experience significant levels of anxiety, and who identify as highly sensitive.” Children who fawn feel disempowered and often end up as the “door mat” in their friendships.

So, what can parents do instead to have a more helpful, socially-acceptable response?

CHECK-IN WITH YOURSELF

First, notice how you feel when your child shares their pain with you. Do you feel yourself reacting? Are you getting angry? Is it triggering something inside of you? Which of the 4 F’s can you feel yourself wanting to default to? The key is to remain calm and objective.

In the field of Positive Psychology, we love the famous Viktor Frankl quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” This space that Dr Frankl describes is where empathy, compassion, and understanding can keep relationships in the Green-Zone on the Friend-o-Meter!

Just by being aware of how you’re feeling will allow you to be more mindful in how you respond to your child’s friendship issue.

FOCUS ON YOUR OWN CHILD

Second, focus on how YOUR child is feeling. Too often parents will focus on the other child (“I can’t believe they did that to you! What’s their problem? Why would they be like that?”), instead of their own.

Help your child name their emotions. Dr Dan Siegal coined the term “name it to tame it” – a very simple, effective technique that helps reduce the intensity of big feelings by labelling them.

Ask them, “How did that make you feel?” Give your child time and space to get their feelings out. Let them cry or be angry and JUST LISTEN. Offer a hug, go for a walk, play catch… Allow them a chance to get it out.

BE A FRIENDSHIP COACH

When you’re both in a calm state, it’s time to be a Friendship Coach and empower your child with evidence-based strategies.

If it was a Friendship Fire, encourage them to find a good time to talk to their friend. If it was Mean-on-Purpose, ask them: “Did you say your Quick Comeback?”

Check out this interactive tool (be sure to activate your FREE parent membership first!) where you can see the questions our URSTRONG Schools ask children when they experience conflict in friendship to coach them along.

Here are a few more resources that might help:

Friendship skills are relationship skills! Teaching your child to manage conflict in a healthy way will help ensure they have positive relationships throughout their lives.

Written by: Dana Kerford
Founder & Friendship Expert

Tips on Supporting Children in Fiery Friendships

One of our favourite tools for talking to kids about how they’re feeling in their friendships is The Friend-o-Meter. Although it’s normal to have a friendship dip into the Red-Zone now and again (Friendship Fact #1: No friendship – or relationship – is perfect!), what happens when a friendship is up and down A LOT?

While many kids will admit they’ve experienced this type of friendship, a friendship that goes from the Green-Zone to the Red-Zone regularly can feel very challenging. Words that children use to describe these high-conflict friendships include: unpredictable, hard, and exhausting.

These friendships can feel especially confusing for parents, as their child oscillates between “Best Friends” and “They’re not invited to my birthday party!” For teachers, these students can sometimes cause a lot of drama for classmates who sometimes find themselves caught in the middle (what we call in our Friendology friendship skills curriculum, a Friendship Sandwich! It’s sticky and messy in there!).

So, what can we do to support a child in this type of everyday-is-different friendship?

First, identify if they are suffering. Are they upset about it? Is it deeply affecting them? Are they really struggling (*here are some signs to look for)? If the answer is no, and the child seems to be handling it quite well, then this might be a case of them simply ‘ironing out the wrinkles’. Whether it’s a new friendship or the dynamic of the friendship has changed, it sometimes takes time to get to know each other and learn how to get along.

‘Fiery Friendships’ are especially common for children with strong personalities who form friendships with kids similar to them. While they might click at first, they’ll naturally begin to butt heads. For these kids, the highs are high and the lows are low!

But, as parents and educators, we can rest easy if (1) the good times outweigh the bad times AND (2) they’re putting out their Friendship Fires® by working their way around the Friend-o-Cycle. If these two factors are present, then it sounds like they are figuring it out and it might just be a lifelong friendship in the making.

However, if a child is coming home in tears every day and really seem torn up about it, here are a few strategies to try as you coach them from the sidelines (Note: Log-in to your free family membership to access the activities):

“How can you spend less time in this friendship?”: Sometimes these volatile friendships are simply a product of spending too much time together. Help your child come up with a plan to decrease their daily dose of this friendship. Give this activity a try: Spending Less Time
“It’s time to get strategic in this friendship!”: Help your child get clear on what works and what doesn’t work in their friendship. When are they getting along? When are Friendship Fires igniting? Then, help them come up with a plan. Watch this video: Feel-Good Friendships
“Are they Friendship Fires or is it Mean-on-Purpose?”: It’s important that your child understands the difference between normal conflict (Friendship Fires®) versus intentionally rude, cruel, malicious behavior. Try this interactive tool: Friendship Fire or Mean-on-Purpose Advice
“Did you Talk-it-Out until the Fire-is-Out?”: Has your child truly talked to their friend to tell them how they’re feeling? Are they being honest with their friend or do they keep sweeping the issues under the rug? For parents, this might be an opportunity to plan a playdate or sleepover to create that one-on-one time with their friend. Role-play with them, so they can practise what they’ll say. School is a busy place and sometimes it’s hard for kids to find time to Talk-it-Out with a friend. Watch this video: Be a Friendship Ninja
“What colour friendships do you deserve?”: Ask them, “Let’s think about a friendship that goes from green to red, green to red, green to red on The Friend-o-Meter. What colour does that friendship average out at?” Help your child identify that friendship would average out in the Yellow-Zone. Remind them they deserve Green-Zone friendships in their lives! Try this activity: The Friend-o-Meter: Time to Chat!

While it’s normal for a friendship to have the occasional Friendship Fire®, a healthy friendship has been proven by Dr John Gottman’s research to have at least 5 positive (green) interactions for every 1 negative (red) interaction. These tricky friendships are a great opportunity for children to master their conflict-resolution skills and learn to foster healthy, feel-good friendships.

One thing we say to kids all the time is: “You teach people how to treat you!” When kids deal with their Friendship Fires® in a kind and respectful way, it deepens friendships creating closer & stronger connections.

Written by: Dana Kerford
Founder & Friendship Expert

Pre-Primary ~ Spotlight on UR Strong

In Pre-Primary, our students have been learning all about “Friendship Fires”. We begun this by reviewing our Friend-o-meter and discussing different friendship scenarios and what zone they may make us feel. Friendship scenarios, such as misunderstandings or disagreements, that place us in the red zone are called Friendship Fires. We learnt that sometimes we can have big Friendship Fires, like bonfires, or just little Friendship Fires, like a small flame. It is very normal to have Friendship Fires, but it is important we put them out!

Following on from this, we learnt some strategies to put our Friendship Fires out and return to the green zone. The main strategy we focused on is “talking it out till the fire is out”. Firstly, we learnt that we must calmly retell the event to our friend, before explaining how it made us feel and listening to our friends side of the story.

In pairs, we role played different scenarios and practiced implementing our talk it out strategy to solve both big and small Friendship Fires. Similarly, we practiced showing respectful body language and making genuine apologies.

Our Pre-Primary’s Friendology challenge for Week 8 is to do things to make Friendship Fires smaller, not bigger. We want to become FireFighters not Firelighters!

Helicopter Parenting. Bubble-wrapped kids. We know we shouldn’t solve all our children’s problems for them. But, when should we get involved?

We all want to do the right thing for our children. We’ve read the books, we’ve listened to the podcasts, we’ve read articles and talked to other parents endlessly, all in an effort to raise resilient, kind, caring little people. But, have we gone too far? On the quest to do the right thing, have we overlooked one of the most important lessons of all?

We all know that when life is hard, when we struggle, when things aren’t easy… These are the times we learn the most about ourselves. These are the times we dig deep and we come out the other end stronger than we were before.

Conflict is a normal part of the human experience, yet we see parents panic when they witness their child experiencing conflict with a friend. We see parents jump in, trying to solve the problem for their kids, offering a series of suggestions. We hear about parents calling principals and teachers, insisting their child is being “bullied” and demanding that something be done. There’s an immediate discomfort, aversion, and fear of conflict even for ourselves, but amplified (times a million) when it’s our children experiencing it.

Is it because we read that book or that article and think of the devastating effects of bullying? Perhaps we are taken back to the day we went through that heartache ourselves and want to save our children from our same mistakes?

How do we strike that perfect balance of allowing our children to develop the skills to be resilient in the face of conflict, yet give them a hand when they need it? When do we need to step in and when do we need to step back?

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you find that perfect balance of being a Friendship Coach, yet not playing the game for your child:

Step-BACK when your child experiences a Friendship Fire® (our term for conflict with a friend) that can easily be put out; it’s a little thing that your child can easily solve.

For example, your child is upset because their friend didn’t let them test out their new toy. Consider saying something like, “That sounds like a Friendship Fire®. Find the right time to talk to your friend and let them know how it made you feel. You can do this!”

Your reaction should match the situation. If it’s a small conflict, your reaction should also be small. A disproportionate reaction will make something small even bigger and your child might need the modeling to keep things in check. If your child has a tendency to make it bigger and indulge in the negative feelings, continue to minimize it and remind them they can do it. You may even need to take the Friendship Sandwich approach (a strategy students practice in our Friendology friendship skills curriculum when they’re caught in the middle of a conflict between two friends!) and quickly change the subject so you don’t get sucked in the middle and they don’t downward spiral!

Step-IN when any of the following situations happen:

You can see your child’s self-esteem being affected,
You can see the issue is weighing on them and they can’t shake it; it’s consuming them,
You feel your child doesn’t have the skills to come to a resolution and things are getting worse,
Their reaction doesn’t match the situation, suggesting there’s more to the story,
Your child doesn’t feel safe,
Your gut instinct tells you something is up!

If any of these things are happening, this is when you need to step in and give them lots of guidance and support. Empathise with your child and give very practical, step-by-step things they can do to make it better. Like a coach, give them strategies to put into practise. Keep your ideas easy and simple and check in with them at the end of each day to see how it went. For example, “How did things go today with Evie? Show me on the Friend-o-Meter.” When you encourage them to try something, let them know, “And, if that doesn’t work, no problem! We’ll come up with a new plan!” –> Give this activity a try: Time to Chat!

Most importantly, be that person they can talk to, rely on, who will comfort them during this hard time. Don’t solve their problems for them, don’t call the other kid’s parents (here are 10 reasons why!), but give them little, bite-sized challenges to help them work through the conflict. For example, “It sounds like things are hardest with Evie at recess time. How about tomorrow, you volunteer in the library at recess time. Give it a try!”

And, if after all of that, your child is still struggling and things are getting worse… This is when the parents and teachers need to work together AS A TEAM and come up with deeper interventions. The safety and happiness of our children are always a top priority.

Written by Dana Kerford
Friendship Expert and Founder of URSTRONG

What's On for UR Strong in Year 3:

In Year 3, the students have been learning about how important it is to make friends with an understanding that it can feel awkward at first when you meet someone. We learned four strategies to help us. These are super introducer, ask & pass, quick question and be a magnet. Having some strategies to draw on when meeting new people can help with our confidence, making everyone feel a little less awkward so friendships can grow!

After this we learned some friendship facts in order to have realistic expectations when it comes to different types of friendships. Students were taught to accept that conflict is a normal part of a relationship sometimes, and that we all feel more/less sensitive at different times about different things. Year 3 Friend-o-logy lessons stress that trust & respect are the two most important qualities for a relationship to work.

Parent Resource: 5 Reasons Kids Don’t Seek Help with Tricky Friendships

Parent: “How was school today?”
Kid: “Good.”
Parent: “What did you do?”
Kid: “Nothing.”

How many parents have had this conversation with their kids? When it comes to challenging friendships, the reality is kids do not often tell their parents if they’ve had a Friendship Fire® with a friend, or they’re dealing with an up-and-down friend, or they’re having trouble making friends. Instead, kids & teens often suffer in silence.

So, why do kids keep their friendship issues private? Over the last 14 years, we have worked with tens of thousands of kids in schools around the world. Students have shared all sorts of things with us about what’s really going on in their friendships. While friendships have changed a lot for kids since we first launched our Friendology curriculum in 2009, these 4 reasons that kids aren’t totally honest and forthcoming with their parents has stayed the same:

Your child is worried you’re going to freak out. You might call the other kid’s parents, you might call the school, you might say the wrong things, you might cry, you might say, “I knew that kid was trouble!” Basically, you might say and do all the wrong things and just make matters worse. Read our most popular blog: 10 Reasons to NOT Call the Other Child’s Parents
Your child is embarrassed. They want you to think they’re cool and popular. Your child wants to make you proud! It’s a pretty vulnerable thing to respond to, “How was school today?” with, “Not very good. I feel like I have no friends. Sat by myself at lunch and kids made fun of the bargain shoes you bought me.” Kids and teens will not readily offer that information.
Your child knows it sounds silly or trivial. Kids are totally aware that sometimes the things they’re upset or annoyed about aren’t a big deal, but they can’t shake it. When they think about telling an adult, they think parents + teachers won’t get it and will respond with, “Just ignore them! It’s not that big of a deal! Why do you care? Play with someone else then!” These sentiments are obviously not helpful and diminish a child’s feelings.
Your child is so tuned in to you. They know if you’re stressed or have a lot on your plate right now and they don’t want to add to your pile by unloading their friendship drama on you. They also know it will upset you – so they protect you from that.

There is, however, a 5th reason that has emerged: Your child is worried you’ll take away their device. If the friendship issue happened online, they’re worried you’re going to make them delete the platform or take their device away. In the past few years especially, this has become a huge concern with children experiencing awful things online that they’re not sharing with grown-ups.

So, what can you do to encourage your child to open up and share freely with you?

First, think of yourself as a Friendship Coach. Coaches don’t go out there and play the game for their players. Instead, they give them advice and send them to play. Then, they stand back on the sidelines and watch. When they call their team in, they point out what they saw and give the players some tips and guidance. It should work that way with parents too, coaching your children through their friendships. Avoid jumping in to solve the problem. Instead, ask: “What can you do to make this situation better?” Empower your child with this activity: Keep it Cool!

Second, empathize. Sometimes all your child needs to hear is, “That sounds really hard. Would you like a hug?” Sit with them in the discomfort, remind them their feelings are normal and valid, and show them you’re there. For teens especially, be a Potted Plant Parent.

Lastly, give this tried-and-tested strategy from my Mum a go. Whenever I was experiencing any kind of emotional turmoil, my Mum would find me a book or article and leave it on my pillow. It was her way of saying, “I’m here if you need to talk, but here’s some advice.” With that in mind, print this activity and pop it on your child’s pillow. Who knows – maybe you’ll get invited to go for some ice-cream!?

Written by: Dana Kerford
Founder of UR Strong & Friendship Expert

In Year 5, we’ve been diving deep into the UR STRONG program, learning how to build strong, healthy relationships and manage our emotions in tricky situations. One of our key focus areas has been understanding what it means to “flip your lid” – a concept from the UR STRONG program that helps children recognise how their brains respond to big emotions.

Flipping your lid happens when the thinking part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) disconnects from the feeling part (the amygdala), making it hard to think clearly or make calm choices. This can happen when we feel angry, scared or overwhelmed – and it's something we all experience from time to time!

Through class discussions and role plays, students explored what flipping your lid might look or feel like in real-life situations: like when someone cuts in line, a friend leaves you out, or a game doesn’t go your way. We learned how to recognise the signs in our body and mind, and most importantly, what calming strategies we can use to get our thinking brain back online.

Each student created their own brain poster showing examples of when they might flip their lid and included calming strategies they can use in the moment; such as deep breathing, taking a break, or using positive self-talk. These posters are now proudly displayed in our classroom as a reminder that while we can’t always control how we feel, we can choose how we respond.

We’re learning that strong friendships start with understanding ourselves – and keeping our lids on!

Should parents get involved in their kids’ friendships? By author Kasey Edwards and Dana Kerford, founder of UR Strong.

Dana's answer was simple: No.

The message that we want to give our children is, “You’ve got this!” not, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this for you!”

Try thinking of yourself as a “Friendship Coach.” Coaches don’t go out there and play the game for their players. Instead, they give them advice and send them to play. Then, they stand back on the sidelines and watch. When they call their team in, they point out what they saw and give the players some tips and guidance. It should work that way with parents too, coaching your children through their friendships.

Click on the link below to find our further information about how to be a 'Friendship Coach' for your child.

Think of yourself as a friendship coach

Talk-it-Out Space:

At the end of term 1, all classes visited our amazing 'Talk-it-Out' space to discuss how to use, and the reasons for, using this space. The purpose of a 'Talk-it-Out Space' in UR Strong is to provide a designated area and framework for students to resolve conflict (Friendship Fires) and disagreements in a healthy and respectful way, focusing on friendship skills and social-emotional learning. This space encourages students to communicate their feelings, understand different perspectives, and work towards solutions, ultimately strengthening their friendships and social-emotional well-being.

Students in LA16 also created a poster of their own, outlining the steps involved when solving a Friendship Fire. All students also discussed that some friends may not be ready to 'talk-it-out' and that it's okay to wait until you are both ready!

LA12 students, with Ninja Ted 1 and 2, completing the 'Making New Friends' lesson of UR Strong, specifically how to be a 'super introducer' and 'ask and pass' for conversational skills.

Friendship Fire or Mean-on-Purpose?

Conflict is tricky! How can we tell the difference between Friendship Fires, Mean-on-Purpose, Mean-by-Accident, and Bullying?

We classify conflict into just two categories to keep things as easy as possible for kids: Friendship Fires® (normal conflicts between friends) and Mean-on-Purpose behavior. By making this distinction and establishing a common language, we can better coach and guide our children towards healthy friendships.

Is it a Friendship Fire or Mean-on-Purpose?

Kids and their parents sometimes mistakenly believe that any conflict with a friend is “bullying” (a word that is typically misused and misunderstood). Instead, however, we want to use simple, kid-friendly language. Here are a few common questions:

So, how can we tell the difference between a Friendship Fire or Mean-on-Purpose?

The difference really lies in intent—was it a misunderstanding or were they really trying to hurt your feelings? From the data we’ve collected so far, the majority of conflict that exists in schools are Friendship Fires (approx. 90%).

Can a friend be Mean-on-Purpose too?

Yes, absolutely, and it really hurts!

Can a friend be Mean-by-Accident?

Yep, this is a Friendship Fire.

Can a Friendship Fire escalate into Mean-on-Purpose?

Definitely. This is why we teach kids that timing is important when we put out our Friendship Fires. Sometimes we’re not ready or our friend isn’t ready to put out the Fire. If we continue to try and Talk-it-Out when the time isn’t right, we will inevitably make the Fire bigger.

Can we de-escalate a Mean-on-Purpose moment into a Friendship Fire?

For sure. Sometimes we misinterpret someone’s behavior as Mean-on-Purpose. When we respond with a Quick Comeback, the person knows we felt it was mean. This then allows that person to respond in a way that explains that their intent wasn’t to be mean. By doing this, they move into the Talk-it-Out phase on the Friend-o-Cycle and, thus, it’s downgraded to a Friendship Fire.

Here’s a scenario that demonstrates our step-by-step friendship strategy in-action:

Your friend starts calling you the nickname, “Sweatpants,” because you always wear comfy pants to school. At first, you think it’s fun and it makes you feel closer to your friend. You both laugh about it and think it’s cool.

After time, it feels less funny and more like your friend is making fun of you. You start to feel offended and it’s really bugging you. THIS IS A FRIENDSHIP FIRE®.

In URSTRONG, we teach kids to (1) Retell the situation, and (2) Explain how it made you feel. This is a conversation.

You ask to talk to your friend and let them know that the nickname is actually making you feel bad. Through the conversation, you explain how you feel and you respectfully ask your friend to not call you “Sweatpants” anymore.

The next day, your friend continues calling you the nickname, fully knowing you don’t like it. THIS IS MEAN-ON-PURPOSE.

In URSTRONG, we teach kids to say their Quick Comeback in a strong voice and then walk away. This is not a conversation.

When your friend calls you the nickname again, knowing it’s hurtful, you say your Quick Comeback: “Stop.” You walk away and try to keep your focus on something that makes you happy.

At this point, we would let kids know that if this is a healthy friendship, your friend would respect you enough to stop calling you the nickname. If your friend continues calling you the name, trust and respect (Friendship Fact #3) break down, and this friendship would be in the unhealthy (red) zone of the Friend-o-Meter.

The URSTRONG advice: Spend less time with this friend. You deserve healthy, feel-good friendships and remember Friendship Fact #4: Friendships change…and that’s okay.

If your friend continued to be Mean-on-Purpose, despite standing up for yourself and communicating it’s not okay (through your Quick Comeback), then THIS IS BULLYING. (We describe bullying as ongoing, Mean-on-Purpose behaviour.)

This requires the support of adults to provide deeper interventions. We encourage URSTRONG Schools to follow our Bullying Prevention Plan that outlines the procedure for both the victim and the perpetrator.

Written by Dana Kerford

Friendship Expert and Founder, URSTRONG

In Year 6, we have been learning about healthy friendships and strategies to maintain them. One session introduced a metaphor for friendship groups:

Circular groups are tight-knit, leaving little room for individuality and making it difficult for others to join.
Horseshoe groups allow space for each person to be themselves and remain open for others to join or leave freely.

This session encouraged students to reflect on their friendships. They also explored the differences between healthy and unhealthy friendships—both in-person and online—and how body language influences interactions. We reinforced these skills by playing Conversation Catch, a game that helps keep conversations flowing.

Are You Ready To Ride The Friendship Rollercoaster

Welcome to our 'Spotlight on UR Strong' for Week 6. We’re so pleased that you’ve joined our community of families dedicated to empowering their kids with friendship skills! We’re excited to share our wide range of resources and offer our support on your family’s friendship journey.

Click on the link below to watch a quick 15 minute video by Dana Kerford, UR Strong's founder that explains the language of Friendship and a brief summary of this amazing program.

(NB: You must be logged into your UR Strong Account to be able to watch the video) https://urstrong.com/members/family/#component-7-video-1

'A Day So Yay!' in Year 1 & 2

This week, our Year 1 and 2 students reflected on positive moments in their day, helping them develop gratitude and a positive mindset. Through class discussions, students shared experiences that made them feel happy and excited—such as swimming, enjoying delicious food, playing with friends and celebrating special occasions.

They then completed the sentence “A day so yay was when…” and created beautiful artworks to illustrate their special moments. To finish, students shared their reflections with classmates before adding them to a vibrant classroom display, celebrating the joy in everyday life!

Friendology in Year 4:

This week as part of our UR Strong lessons, we spoke about all the things that give us 'butterflies' in our stomachs. Students recalled and described a time that they have had that feeling of ‘butterflies’ in a friendship. We discussed that it is normal that Friendship Fires® and Mean-on-Purpose encounters can give us butterflies, because we feel lots of big, uncomfortable feelings when our friendships are not in the healthy zone of the 'Friend-o-Meter.'

We can choose what to do with our butterflies. We don’t need to let them control us or stop us from doing things! In order to this, we need to know the difference between things we can control and things we cannot control.

Each student designed a butterfly to name and then tame the butterfly-feelings we may get in certain situations. We have displayed these in our classroom to remind us that we have control over lots of those pesky butterflies and can tame them.

Spotlight on UR Strong landsdale primary school

Click HERE to download brochure

URSTRONG’s whole-school friendship strategy has improved the social climate in schools around the world, connecting over a million kids, parents, and teachers with a common language of friendship. We are proud to be a URSTRONG School and are committed to empowering your children with friendship skills.

You are invited to take advantage of a FREE Parent Membership to access hundreds of resources – including an 8 session video series. This will allow you to learn the same language & strategies being taught in the classroom through the Friendology 101 curriculum. We hope that, as a URSTRONG Family, you will reinforce the important messages of empowerment, self-compassion, & kindness at home.

As a next step, we would recommend:

Click Here to view an overview of URSTRONG.
Activate your FREE Parent Membership and explore all the resources available to your family.
Explore the hundreds of resources available to you!

We believe that empowering our students with these skills will create a culture of kindness at our school and we hope that, together, we can support your children to have healthy, feel-good friendships.